“Hi. I’m thuper thexy.”

Welcome to Lame And Unproductive Dating Site. You are our valued customer. Please fill out your form so men can flock to your door. Now, remember the difference between “they’re” and “their”. Ghetto language will disqualify you from our services given that of all 5 of our men will seriously flip their shit and run away. Good luck!

 

Favorite word: #$!*

Favorite ice cream flavor: rum and raisin ice cream…without the raisins and the ice cream

Celebrity crush: Ha! I’m not that shallow. (Mark Ruffalo, Christian Bale, Chris Hemsworth, Adam Levine)

 

Occupation: inexperienced comedian, clearly.

 

What does your ideal Friday look like: Staying away from people and reading a good book in the basement. I mean partying like a fool. Take your pick. I just want to date you.

 

Are you close with your family? Sure, but at week 2 of being together all the time, my eye starts twitching.

 

What do you like to do for fun? Men.

 

How would you describe yourself? I’m white, have blonde hair and blue eyes, and I speak English very much. And I don’t tell lies, I mean fib, I mean lie. Yup, no lying.

 

What is your life story?  My parents raised me somewhere in Africa, which maybe explains why I love wandering around. Upon coming to the midwest for college, my first question was “Where are all the black people?” After gobbling up lots of education (I read really good and know how to say “ ‘Merica”) I got a job.

 

What is something vulnerable about yourself? *bitch slap*

 

What are your friends like? drinking buddies very sober folks who won’t shut up about theology

 

What are your hobbies? Collecting men.

 

Do you play any sports? I was my country’s representative at the Olympics for Dating Mind Games. I came in second because Columbia took the cake. It’s a good thing Steve Harvey was the announcer.

 

Do you read books? No but sometimes I wish men could read my mind (“All I wanted was for you to get me roses and chocolate and an expensive purse and a ticket to the Bahamas!!!! What the hell is this gift card to a spa?! Oh look, a squirrel.”)

 

What should I know about you? I don’t like feet I hate cleaning I’m an awful cook I got nothin’

 

What are you looking for? A dark-haired socially, politically, and theologically progressive man who is emotionally intelligent and wildly attractive. So basically Joseph Gordon-Levitt except not married.

 

Final thoughts? May the odds be ever in your favor #datingislikehungergames

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